"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him”
James 1:12
James 1:12
This was one of the verses in an e-mail I received this morning. This one stuck out to me more than the others.......it definitely fits my need for hope and understanding. There have been many times I have felt alone, misunderstood, hurt, wronged, and the list goes on. And by no means have I been the Christian I had hoped to be but ......who is?.....I will always keep trying to be better though.....looking at my own fails and no one else's. When going through my life I have reached out to God many times for comfort and relief. It's amazing how you can be surrounded by loved ones but in the midst of a trial you can feel so alone. I haven't talked much in depth about my cancer because I was scared to feel the fear of such a thing. I am the type of person that will calmly react to a situation and then at night.....when the rest of the world is sleeping.....i let it all go. I should probably start from the beginning. It was sunny outside and I got up to go to the bathroom. School had been hard, waking up had been hard, remembering anything was hard, feeling sane was hard, etc. While brushing my teeth I noticed the right side of my neck was sticking out. I attributed the lump to my recent singing and dancing while driving. It didn't hurt but I made myself think it was a pulled muscle. Weeks later, due to a sinus infection, I went to my Primary care Physician. Upon walking in my exam room she immediately noticed my neck, felt the lump, then scheduled an appointment with a specialist. a few days later the specialist felt the lump and said to me and my mother that this type, the texture and density of it, is non-cancerous........{sigh} what relief.....I felt a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. But to be safe he biopsied the lump and sent it off.......then.......He called me in for another appointment. Just as quickly as he had himself diagnosed me, he came forward with the information that in fact the lump was Cancer. Papillary thyroid carcinoma to be exact. Now this is not a "High Death Rate" cancer but to a young girl in her lower 20's.......it was devastating. I was numb. My heart, mind, and soul went into auto pilot. The next month was filled with many scans and doctors office visits. But it was all a blur to me. I felt convicted to be with friends. Why would I want them to feel such a negative thing in their life. I felt like a burden. Meanwhile, I wasn't in a serious relationship and I just kept thinking...."who will want this Ill person?" Ugh.......i cringe remembering those feelings. It is such a DEEP hurt and fear that I would not wish it upon my worst enemy. After my surgery I was in the hospital for I think 5 days. Thankfully my right arm was better off than what they thought. I still had some PT but I could lift it on my own. Now see.......i cry even thinking of that. My right arm, the one I served volleyballs with for years, was the arm I would hope one day I could even lift up in the air. Later I was told I would need radiation treatment. It eventually came down to a 16 day confinement. Ugh......the Loneliest time I truly have ever felt. I could not be around or near people at all during this time. I was in my parents basement. My mother would make meals for me and leave them at the top of the steps...and when she went up to the third level i would make way up to get my plate of food. I so longed for a hug. I wanted to feel a hand on mine, a kiss on the cheek. Anything to make feel alive. I missed my family. I would sit in floor for hours listening to Enya May it Be and then eventually go to sleep. In the evenings, if it were raining, I would walk around the neighborhood....I didn't want to take the chance of running in to someone while I was radioactive. But finally..........after a scan...............I was cancer FREE!. If you do not know the symptoms of hypothyroidism....feel free to look them up.....i was also dealing with those during this time. Enough of this though...............I apparently needed to talk about this because I am already though a half a roll of toilet paper. My whole point though was to say I am thankful. I am thankful I can walk, I can speak, I can hug, I can see, and I can feel. God brought me through an experience I could not have handled on my own. I feel silly when I think of true pain and all the cancers that are out there. Mine was not even comparible. And all the children who have Leukemia etc. I pray for them. I pray for their strength. My cancer was probably the best cancer you could ask for, while it was hard for me I accepted it and moved forward with my life. God carried me though every step of the way and Gave me a wonderful husband who already took me .....for better or for worse.....in sickness and in health. So the verse above gives me hope and lets me know I am not alone. God sees my efforts and blesses me everday. I am hopeful for my future......I love my friends and family and want them to know when I was going through all of this, you were my thoughts. God and You.
